Hercules vs. Santa Clause


Once upon a time there was a jolly red man

That got as fat as a man can

Who made a plan to sneak into children’s places

Whether it was in chimneys or children

He liked tight spaces

Who is this man we’re speaking of

Why it’s Santa Clause

So you better watch out

You better start to cry

Because I’m about

To shoot your reindeer out of the sky



Someone has problems, tell me about them

Come sit on my lap

Tell me, what do you want from St. Nick

How about lessons on how to rap

You big pompous… Richard

Be prepared because I’m always ready to pounce

And I’ve got it where it counts

Yes you’re stronger than me

But your biceps have the only bulge I can see

Those steroids have effects on the side

No wonder your second wife committed suicide

Speaking of wives you killed your first along with the rest of your family

And your third wife gives me the Hebe Jeebies


Talking about wives? Is that really what you want to do?

You married the only person on the planet as ugly as you

Your bellies are so big, you probably can’t reach in for a kiss

And does peeping on children put you on the naughty list?

If it doesn’t then I don’t know what does

You must have made an allowance for stalking in your contract’s secret Clause

So come into the house of my kids and you’ll be chopped to bits

I must warn you, my fireplace is always lit

And my arrows have poisoned tips

I’ve survived Hera and Hades

Cerberus and Diomedes

Atlas and Hesperides

And Boars and children of Ares

I’ve fought everywhere from Egypt to Thebes

And I’m great with the ladies

You think you can threaten me? Please!

You must be blind

Because you will Acheloos this battle as fast as the Keryneian hind!

Santa Clause

You want to know what puts you on the naughty list?

How about killing your family and your mentor and being an obnoxious fur-wearing misogynist?

Delivering gifts to all the nice children of the world isn’t too much to ask

But listening to a single one of your verses? Now that’s a Herculean task

After all of this fighting, I do have some good news

You no longer have to kill yourself because I did the roasting for you

Now in a battle you might win bouts one two and three

But you’ll never beat me

Because I’m like Hydra: twice as hard is how I’ll come back

Maybe after I proclaim you for myself as my elf I’ll let you hold Santa’s sack


Luke Skywalker vs. Harry Potter

Harry Potter
Lets start this battle with a little introduction
I’m the boy who lived
And you ain’t got nuttin’
Except daddy issues
So I’m going to ask you to move because I’m getting some love
From someone who’s not my sister
I can’t believe you kissed her
You infectious incestous homo erectus mister
Now I’m going to give you one last chance
To walk away now, here, I’ll give you a hand

Luke Skywalker
Oh please, is this the best you got for me
You’re like training
I deflect your blows with my eyes closed
Because I don’t need my eyes to feel your weak forced flow as the flow of the force flows cold in my veins high to low
My rhymes are as hot as my light saber
And I’m going to savor the flavor of victory
You have nerve to bring up fathers
At least I got to meet mine
And guess what, he got to see me with his own eyes
Not through some BS Mirror on Erise
You’re dead like Sirius Black
You had your verse, but Skywalker Struck Back!
What people see in your movies leaves me stupefied
You still can’t entice me, and you’re on your eighth try
For goodness sake
during your movies, I still have to force myself to stay awake
They make me feel deathly hallow
And the only way someone would enjoy it if they were Sorcerer’s stoned
And you’re the problem is what I think
You’re the second worst character after Jar Jar Binks
We’re wizards! Your lightsaber doesn’t alarm us
We can get rid of that with the flick of our wrists: EXPELIARMUS!
And you can move objects with your mind? Oh big deal
With a simple Crucio, I can make this little girl squeal
Come back again if you want anymore
Because this victory goes to… GRIFFYNDOR!!!

Whether it’s the Emperor or Vader, Bounty Hunters, or slug gangsters
I’m the ultimate evader and immune to all dangers
I’ve got forty years in the industry
And you can’t touch me
Of real power, you barely have an ounce
Tell me, what’s your midichlorian count?
Your rhymes are measly
And your movies have about as much magic as Ron Weasley
How great can Hogwarts be?
And you need glasses just to see
With a school full of magic, you still rely on muggle technology?
So come at me you little snitch
Or will you tuck your broom between your legs and fly away like quidditch?
I’m the New Hope to end this drawn out franchise
The wizards are done
Now it’s Return of the Jedi

Stevie Wonder vs. Daredevil

Of all the people to rap against me
They make me face this Ray Charles Wannabe?
I fought Spider-Man, and I kicked his DONKEY
You’re not even a fighter man, you will not last
I prey on on your Superstition
I move so fast I make you look as slow as Fisk Wilson
With all the hurt I’ll be dishin’ you’ll be wishin’ it was The Punisher doing the punishin’

Stevie Wonder
You seem angry
Why don’t you take a metronome and count to three
Once you calm down, then you can talk to me
You actually think I’m scared
Cross me even the Devil wouldn’t Dare
I hope you have your wits about
Because we’re about to Sir Duke it out
Of my victory, there is no doubt
I’m about to have a rap attack that goes so fast that you’ll need life insurance
Better call Ben… Affleck

I can tell your nervous, I hear your heart beating
This place is overheating
Because I spit fire so hot, I’m like a dragon breathing
Your words you’ll be eating
You think you can beat me? You couldn’t be my sidekick even
I’ll let you go now if you repent
Stand trial for your sins
Nelson and Murdock represent
And don’t try me again
Because when it comes to rapping, I’m the Kingpin

Stevie Wonder
Call me Eminem because I’ll keep rapping
Call me Einstein, because I’m a force that won’t be stopping
Call your daddy, because this beating is free
Call me JOHN CENA, because you can’t see me
Your name is Matt, because I’ll step all over you
You can’t defend yourself against this verbal abuse
I wonder what drugs the writers had to be on to create you
Pick up your phone, it’s me, I’m Just Calling to say I hate you