Hercules vs. Santa Clause


Once upon a time there was a jolly red man

That got as fat as a man can

Who made a plan to sneak into children’s places

Whether it was in chimneys or children

He liked tight spaces

Who is this man we’re speaking of

Why it’s Santa Clause

So you better watch out

You better start to cry

Because I’m about

To shoot your reindeer out of the sky



Someone has problems, tell me about them

Come sit on my lap

Tell me, what do you want from St. Nick

How about lessons on how to rap

You big pompous… Richard

Be prepared because I’m always ready to pounce

And I’ve got it where it counts

Yes you’re stronger than me

But your biceps have the only bulge I can see

Those steroids have effects on the side

No wonder your second wife committed suicide

Speaking of wives you killed your first along with the rest of your family

And your third wife gives me the Hebe Jeebies


Talking about wives? Is that really what you want to do?

You married the only person on the planet as ugly as you

Your bellies are so big, you probably can’t reach in for a kiss

And does peeping on children put you on the naughty list?

If it doesn’t then I don’t know what does

You must have made an allowance for stalking in your contract’s secret Clause

So come into the house of my kids and you’ll be chopped to bits

I must warn you, my fireplace is always lit

And my arrows have poisoned tips

I’ve survived Hera and Hades

Cerberus and Diomedes

Atlas and Hesperides

And Boars and children of Ares

I’ve fought everywhere from Egypt to Thebes

And I’m great with the ladies

You think you can threaten me? Please!

You must be blind

Because you will Acheloos this battle as fast as the Keryneian hind!

Santa Clause

You want to know what puts you on the naughty list?

How about killing your family and your mentor and being an obnoxious fur-wearing misogynist?

Delivering gifts to all the nice children of the world isn’t too much to ask

But listening to a single one of your verses? Now that’s a Herculean task

After all of this fighting, I do have some good news

You no longer have to kill yourself because I did the roasting for you

Now in a battle you might win bouts one two and three

But you’ll never beat me

Because I’m like Hydra: twice as hard is how I’ll come back

Maybe after I proclaim you for myself as my elf I’ll let you hold Santa’s sack


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